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Him: You must be doing something. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. Should I keep doing what Im doing? Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. I think a more appropriate reaction would be to apologize once, politely, then go away and process what I did wrong by myself. Totally fair and perfectly polite. I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. what are you doing?. Rock on, Helen. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. Could be specific to where I am, though. You are doing things and going places. If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. Them: We should have lunch soon. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. I usually just say Im doing laundry. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? 1) Let the weekend memes begin! I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). How are you? Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. Good to know! Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. Not always). I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. Eating. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. So I said, Dont do this. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. How odd to be on both sides of this! I tell her every chance I get that Im grateful for all the emotional labor she does with categorizing her friend groups. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Dont ask each of us the same question. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Him: Nothing at all? I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. A little of this, a little of that. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. Flying in a rocket ship. I am eating. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. !" But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Oh, surviving, surviving. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. Great! Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Reply with 'Hey' Back. I'll leave you to be the judge of when it's most appropriate, all . Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. Whaaaaaat. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. ? comments. Yep yep yep. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. Thats fair. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. Thank you! If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Jackpot! And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. Lead with the actual invitation. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. To be honest, not good. Ask back? Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. "It's Friday baby!! This meme will hilarious remind them. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. No way. 4. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. This applies in other areas of life too. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Its really not you, its them. Ugh. Why? because sometimes we have plans that cant change. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. 22. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? Indeed. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. Me: Fine, thanks. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. Climbing mt laundry! The conversation can go like this either way and be appropriate and you not be on the spot either way. That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. You would think, right? Ah. Simply say something you're obviously not doing. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. a s h l e y. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. So the reframing may help. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. 3. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. Thank you!!! Bye. He hardly ever asks anymore though. And Im totally ok with that. I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? Giving my notebook a bath. "See, I will finally make you smile.". Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. 2. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. Me: Nope. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? )in a way that seems to be back firing. Nothing? hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. . So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! Answer accordingly. I'm going to say this to my parents. Spot on, thank you. When I have no plans I tend to respond with some variant of Just chilling, and then if the person offers something that I want to do, I can decide its more fun than chilling, but if I dont want to do it, then its been a long week and I just really need that chill time, you know? It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. How should I respond? as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. 3. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. Published: August 09, 2021. Sorry, Im busy. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. What are you up to? When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. Yes! Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. It can be a white lie! The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? 1. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. Nothing very interesting. Can't complain. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Always? But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. Teaching my fish how to swim. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing.